


my beautiful time—but only with you.

by taeyoooooong



Series: i'm scared of losing (but i still want you) [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fuck Homophobes, Homophobia, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Pride, Pride Parades, Running Away, Starting Over, Why Did I Write This?, because fuck you that's why, better late than never right, happy late pride month, was gonna post this during pride month but I forgot I had this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 16:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19749496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeyoooooong/pseuds/taeyoooooong
Summary: Jaemin's stuck in a homophobic and an all-around anti-LGBT society. With a boyfriend.The only thing he can think of is to run.And that's what they do.





	my beautiful time—but only with you.

Jaemin slammed the door to his bedroom, collapsing onto his bed in tears. He grabbed a pillow to muffle his sobs. His mind immediately played back the conversation he had with his parents.

_“Jaemin, stop it. You’re too young to make these decisions.”_

_Jaemin threw his hands up in frustration. “I’m nineteen years old. I know what I’m doing. You thought that when I decided to major in dance! ‘Do whatever makes you happy, son.’ Guess what? He makes me happy!”_

_Jaemin’s father shook his head. “No, Jaemin. This is different. It was time for you to go to college. You don’t have all your life for that. You have all your life to find who you really love. You could find a nice girl, and have children. Don’t you want that?”_

_“I want that. But not with anyone else but Jeno.”_

_Jaemin’s mother put a hand on his shoulder. “No, Jaemin. I understand you and Jeno are close, and you’ve always been, but it’s not that type of love. You love each other like brothers.”_

_Jaemin scowled. “I don’t love him like a brother. He is my boyfriend, and I love him as such.”_

_“You’re too young to decide that.”_

_“But it’s not too young for me to find a nice girl that I’ll love for real?”_

_Jaemin’s mother hesitated. “What your father is saying, is that you’re too young to make a life changing decision to like boys.”_

_He clutched his forehead, and took a deep breath. “This was not a choice. This is who I am, okay?”_

_“No, it’s not, Jaemin. You know that this is wrong. You aren’t supposed to like boys.”_

_“It’s not wrong. It’s love.”_

_“It’s not. It’s lust. Listen to me and your mother. We know what’s good for you. You just want to find someone to be in a relationship with you because you want that experience, you don’t know what—”_

_“No, you don’t know what you’re saying! When I hurt my back, Jeno was there to help me with my depression that you caused when you said I was useless after my injury. When Yeji died, Jeno was there to put me back together after you blamed me for her death.”_

_His parents paled at the mention of his sister. Jaemin kept talking, relishing in their expressions. “When you kicked me out of the house after I told you I liked men and women, Jeno gave me a place to stay. He made sure that I wasn’t killed when I was on the streets, which you didn’t seem to care much about! It took me three days to convince him to let me go back here when you asked me to come back. He loved me. He loved me more than you two ever could. Don’t you dare try and tell me that you know what is best for me.”_

_“Jaemin, please.”_

_“I’m tired of this. You said that I could do whatever made me happy, because you wanted me to be happy because I’m your son—”_

_Jaemin’s father slammed a hand on the wooden dining table. “You are no son of mine.”_

_Jaemin’s mother gasped and smacked him upside the head. “Don’t say that. Jaemin, he doesn’t mean it.”_

_Jaemin shook his head, slowly walking towards the stairs. “I don’t care.”_

_She stepped towards him, reaching out for him. “He’s trying to protect you. You know what happens to gay couples here.”_

_Jaemin thought about his friends. They’d been ridiculed, bullied, harassed, threatened, and they’d all moved away after a member of the LGBT community had been murdered. Jaemin’s mother saw that she’d struck a nerve._

_“They’re punished because they’re wrong. Being gay is wrong. We don’t want to lose you; we don’t want your face on the news because someone killed you for being gay.”_

_He clenched his jaw, and stepped onto the stairs. “If this is how it’s going to be, then I’d rather be dead.”_

Jaemin coughed to clear his throat and gulped down a bottle of water on his desk. He picked up his phone and texted Jeno.

_jaem: are you free?_

_jen: pretty much always. I live alone, remember?_

_jaem: how lucky. Well, can you meet me at the park then?_

_jen: sure. Be there in fifteen <3_

_jaem: <3_

Jaemin slipped on a pair of shoes and a jacket. He stuffed money into a wallet just in case and pocketed his phone. Quietly, he opened up the window, and slipped onto the roof tiles. He carefully inched towards the edge, and jumped off.

Jaemin ran as fast as his legs could take him to the park with the rusting swing set that Jeno and Jaemin had been going to since they were five.

“Hey, what’s got you in a hurry?”

Jaemin stumbled to a stop in front of Jeno. He’d almost crashed into him.

“I just needed to get out.”

Jeno stared worriedly at him. Jeno looked him down head to toe, stopping at his puffy eyes and red nose.

“No physical damage…so it must be something going on in there.” Jeno pointed to his head.

“Yeah. Yeah, something’s wrong with me. Something is seriously wrong in there. It caused all of this mess.”

Jeno took one more look at him before pulling Jaemin into his arms. Jaemin started sobbing freely into his shoulder, and all Jeno could do was whisper soothing words to him to try and calm him down.

“Hey, it’s alright. There is nothing wrong with you.”

Jaemin pulled back and ran his hands through his hair. “If there was nothing wrong with me, my parents wouldn’t have done this.”

Jeno sighed. He knew from the beginning that this was about Jaemin’s parents. “What happened, babe?”

“We had another argument about me liking girls and boys again. And about me and you. They said I’m too young to know if I love you or not, and shit like that. But I’m allowed to find and love a girl instead. It’s a whole load of bullshit. You know more about me than they do. What can they say about me not loving you?”

Jeno grabbed his hands. “Do you love me?”

Jaemin scoffed. “More than anything.”

“Then that’s all that matters.”

Jaemin shook his head. “But I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of them saying these words that hurt me and tear me apart. They’re still my parents and somehow, I still love them even though they’re shit to me. It’s twisted. And the only thing keeping me here is the hope that they still might love me too.”

Jaemin hung his head low in shame, but Jeno tilted his chin back up.

“Jaemin…what they’re doing to you isn’t love. They’re hurting you, albeit not physically. But I have no doubt that your father is capable of that. This hope you’re holding onto, it’s false. I’m not saying this to hurt you or manipulate you because I’ve seen it up close. It’s the truth.”

Jaemin went silent, tears still in his eyes. Jeno’s heart broke at the sight, wanting nothing more than to kiss him and make it go away. But Jeno knew that it wasn’t that simple.

“Then let’s run away.”

Jeno’s eyes widened, and he stepped back a little from the sudden statement. “What? But, you have so much here.”

“Like what?”

“College, your college friends, your job…”

“No. I-I have nothing to lose now. Yeji is gone. Mark, Renjun, Chenle, Jisung, and Donghyuck are gone. The only thing that is here for me is you. And I know if we stay here, I’ll lose you too.”

Jeno still wasn’t convinced. “Jaemin, maybe I am taking you away from everything…”

Jaemin glared at him. “Don’t you dare. You can’t say that, Jeno.”

Jaemin grabbed his collar and pulled him closer. “I can’t stay here and I don’t want to stay here. There is nothing left for me. You’re not taking me away from anyone or anything. Now, I don’t have a lot of choices. I didn’t have a choice to be bisexual. But I have a choice of whether I stay here and be unhappy for god knows how long, or be anywhere else with you. And no matter what, my choice is you.”

He stared a Jeno for a moment before tilting his head up to plant a kiss on Jeno’s lips. Jeno smiled sadly at him, kissing his forehead and pulling him into another hug.

“What did I do to get you to love me this much? Surely I must’ve saved a country in my last life or something.”

Jaemin merely chuckled. “I don’t know. But…you’d choose me too, right?”

There was an underlying tone of uncertainty. Jeno knew that so many people had left him and hurt him, and even though Jaemin knew how much Jeno loved him, Jaemin still couldn’t be sure.

“Obviously.”

Jaemin kissed his jaw. “Then please, run away with me.”

Jeno nodded. “Yeah. Okay, I will.”

Jaemin couldn’t help but let a few tears escape.

“Anything for you.”

* * *

Over the next few months, Jaemin started saving up money and asking his parents for the money that they had saved up for him for college. He set up his own bank account that his parents didn’t know about. They’d thought that he’d stopped seeing Jeno and treated him much better. That made Jaemin sick to his stomach. Jaemin had also been gathering up all the things that he’d wanted to take along with him. He only took clothes, jewelry, technology, and the photos on his walls of him and his friends. He also gifts that Jeno had given him, like stuffed animals or cards.

By the time it was June, Jaemin was ready to leave. He shouldered his backpack and picked up his drawstring bag. He looked around his room one last time, feeling sad that he’d be leaving this behind. This room had held a lot of precious moments to him. There were no bad memories with his parents, because they knew they shouldn’t come in there. It only held moments of his friends, Yeji, and Jeno.

But he took a breath, and climbed out the window and into the hot summer night. Jaemin ran back to the park with the rusty swing set where Jeno was waiting for him in his run-down car. The car had been packed with Jeno’s few belongings, and food and water. There were some pillows and blankets in the back too. They drove to a gas station and went into the bathrooms. Jeno tossed him a box of bleach and hair dye.

“Rose gold, like you asked for.”

“How nice of you.”

They proceeded to fry their hair with the bleach. It took them an obscene amount of time, but eventually, Jeno had gotten his blue and blond hair while Jaemin got the pinkish hue.

“It doesn’t look bad.”

“No, it doesn’t. But now we gotta go. We trashed this place.”

They ran back into Jeno’s car and he drove them to a cheap motel near the ocean.

“We’re probably going to stay here until I can connect with our friends. I’ll try and contact Jisung first since he’s in Korea still, and then we’ll branch out if needed.”

Jaemin nodded. “Do you want to go see the beach first?”

“Sure.”

It was already night, so the waves weren’t that interesting to look at. Well, nothing else was that interesting either. The moon wasn’t that bright, and only a few stars were peeking out. But Jaemin felt strangely content.

He walked along the shore hand in hand with Jeno, occasionally stealing a few kisses. This was one of the only times they could be affectionate in public, so they took advantage of it. Jaemin only hoped that they could be like this more often. Before they’d lost contact, Jaemin heard from Mark and Donghyuck that Canada and America were more open to LGBT people. They even had parades that thousands of people would attend. Korea did have those but Jaemin didn’t live in the city where those took place.

Jaemin liked the thought of America.

“What’s on your mind?”

Jaemin turned his attention back to Jeno, who was staring at the sea.

“Nothing.”

Jeno didn’t look convinced, but didn’t pry. “Okay.”

They heard a rustling sound and immediately disconnected their hands. It turned out to be a plastic bag, and they laced their fingers together once more.

Jaemin wondered if people like them had to worry about this in America. He hoped not much.

But now he was still stuck in Korea, with the constant fear of being harassed by people who thought they were freaks. Jaemin let out a shaky breath, which didn’t go unnoticed by Jeno.

“You alright?”

“Yeah. I’m just scared.”

Jeno brought them to a stop, and turned to face him. “About what?”

“About my parents going after me, about where we’re going to stay, about what’s going to happen to us. I’m just a worrier.”

Jeno chuckled softly. “You’re cute.”

“Hey! These are legitimate concerns.”

“I know they are. But I can’t help but find it funny about how much you think ahead. There’s nothing to worry about now.”

Jaemin frowned. “I think there’s a lot of things—”

“Baby, listen to me. I know that this is a pretty large decision in our lives and there could’ve been better options than just running away. There are a lot of things to worry about, but when we need to worry about them, we will. Right now, there isn’t a use in worrying.”

Jaemin nodded slowly, and sighed as Jeno kissed his temple. “Alright, fine.”

“Now, are you going to tell me about what you’ve been thinking about? I hate seeing that sad look on your pretty face.”

Jaemin was glad it was dark, or else Jeno would’ve eaten up the blush on his face. He huffed. “I was just thinking about America.”

“Yeah?” The pair resumed their pacing along the shore.

“I heard that it’s more open to people like us.”

“Mhm.”

“And I thought it’d be nice to have a future there.”

Jaemin stopped and kissed Jeno sweetly on the lips, a silent ‘thank you’ for the little speech earlier. He felt Jeno’s grin against his lips.

“It’d be nice to have a future with you.”

* * *

_Five years later_

“Do you want to go to pride this year?”

Jaemin shrugged and turned off his phone. “Why?”

“Well, it’s been five years since we moved here so maybe it’d be nice to be a little sentimental.”

Right. It’d been five years since they’d taken everything and flown to America with their limited English. They had nothing, and they worked their butts off to get where they were now.

They had a nice apartment in Los Angeles, which they’d bought after graduating college. They had stable jobs and were proud to say that they were pretty fluent in English now.

After moving to America, they reconnected with their friends. All seven of them chatted regularly online, and during the holidays, Renjun, Chenle, Jisung, Donghyuck, and Mark would fly to America so they could get together.

They weren’t the only people from Jeno and Jaemin’s old life to try and reconnect.

Jaemin’s parents had reached out to him two years after Jaemin had left, and Jaemin promptly blocked them. They’d said some bullshit along the lines of ‘we miss you’ and ‘thank god you’re still alive, and not dead because the anti-lgbt people got to you’. Jaemin had reached the ripe old age of twenty-four and intended on adding to that number, thank you very much.

“Hm, I don’t see why not. Sure, let’s go.”

In the next hour, they were standing in the crowded streets of LA’s pride parade in flashy rainbow t-shirts and ripped jeans and face paints. Jeno had been reluctant to do the face paints because of his ‘precious skin’ but Jaemin made him anyway.

They’d talked to so many people, and many of them had the same story as them. By the time the parade started to thin out, Jeno and Jaemin had made at least two hundred new friends and gotten a lot of numbers.

What made Jaemin so happy was there was so much diversity. There were all types of people; all sexualities, all genders, all races, and all ages.

A person who really touched Jaemin’s heart was a girl of about thirteen or fourteen who’d snuck out and gone with her friends to pride. Her group had reminded him of him and his friends. She had only come out to them, and not her parents. She was too afraid to, knowing that her parents would lecture her; they’d say she was too young to know and being bisexual was wrong. Jaemin knew that feeling too well, and his heart ached for her.

Jaemin could only smile gently at her. “Don’t worry. You’ll find the courage one day. Whether you find it yourself, or…someone else will help you.”

He looked over at Jeno, who was talking to an elderly man.

“I assume he’s the one who helped you.”

Jaemin nodded, and she grinned at him. “I’m happy for you.”

“And I hope that I can someday say that to you. It was great meeting you and talking to you. I hope to see you around!” Jaemin hugged her and waved at her friends, and went over to Jeno.

“It was a pleasure talking to you, sir.”

“No problem. Make sure you let him know everyday that you love him, and you cherish him for as long as you can. Keep him, and treasure him. I made my mistake, and now I’m telling you. Don’t mess it up.”

Jeno shook his hand, and the man wheeled away, now talking to a girl with bright pink hair.

“What were you guys talking about?”

“He told me what his life was like, growing up a gay man in a homophobic America. His boyfriend who he wanted to marry wanted to start a life with him elsewhere, but he was too afraid. They broke up, and the last he heard of him, he’d been killed.”

“Wow. Poor man.”

“I think he caught on that we were dating, and then I assume you heard what he said.” Jaemin could see a hint of a blush on Jeno’s cheeks.

“I think I’ll start with the whole ‘letting you know I love you stuff’. I love you so much. I don’t think the cheesy speeches that I give you every now and then could put it into effective words. And I’m thankful every single day that you are here by my side.”

Jeno groaned and buried his red face into his hands while Jaemin laughed at him. “You are upstaging my moment.”

“What? You didn’t even give your speech.”

“I know. I’m supposed to be the _only_ one giving a speech.”

Jaemin gave him a questioning expression.

“I supposed I should elaborate. I asked you to come to pride with me so we could finally celebrate being ourselves after hiding for so long. I remember when we were fifteen and we still shared those sloppy and rushed kisses behind the shed in my backyard. I said that I wanted to marry you one day. You said that the moment we could be happy even though we were part of the LGBT community was the day we could get married. And here we are.”

Jaemin shot a glance around him. They were at pride, with people like them and people who supported them all around him. Yeah, he could say that they were happy.

“It’s been a long journey. There’s been a lot of people who’ve stood in our way and I have no doubt that there will be many more. But I’ll be damned if I never ended up with you.”

The elderly man that Jeno was talking to earlier was now recording. Jaemin had an inkling to where this was going.

“I want to be here with you for a very long time. I’ve given up everything to get here, and if I had to do it all again to be with you, I’d do it all over again. Oh god, this is so terrible. Should I…? My speech is honest to god shit…whatever.”

Jeno reached into his pocket, pulling out a box, and got down on one knee. At this point, more people had started recording and gathering around them.

“Let’s make our fifteen-year-old selves proud and prove your parents wrong. Five years ago, you told me in that park that you didn’t have a lot of choices. You didn’t choose to be bisexual, you didn’t choose to lose your sister, you didn’t choose to lose your friends, and you didn’t choose to be born to your shitty parents. But you had the choice to love me, and I’m so glad that you chose to. Now, I’m giving you another choice.”

Jeno cleared his throat and wiped at his eyes.

“Jeno, if you cry, I’m going to start crying.”

Jeno gave a wet laugh and hid his face in his hand. Jaemin already felt the tears on his cheeks. “Lee Jeno, you are in so much trouble. I’m crying now.”

Jaemin heard the girl that he’d talked to start laughing. “Just get on with it, will you?”

He shot her a playful glare with tears still streaming down his cheeks. Jeno looked back up at him, eyes rimmed with red. “Jaemin, will you marry me?”

Jaemin stared at him for a second, and then finally registered the question.

“Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.” He started nodded vigorously with tears in his eyes, more escaping down his cheeks, and people started to ‘aww’.

Jeno gaped at him. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah, babe. Really.”

People around them started laughing and cheering as Jeno shakily slipped on the ring. When Jeno stood up, Jaemin immediately tackled him into a kiss. The people around them clapped and cheered, congratulating them all the while. When they dispersed, Jaemin kissed him again, this time with more meaning.

“I can’t believe you just did that.”

Jeno nodded. “Me neither. I’d actually planned this for a while, but during the parade I got kinda scared. The old man helped a lot, and I realized it was now or never. I’m just surprised you didn’t find out what I was doing.”

“Sneaky.”

Jeno kissed his forehead, and wrapped a pride flag around them.

“I love you.” Jeno pulled him closer and kissed him gently under the setting sun.

Jaemin pulled away, beaming at him and the people around him, music pumping through his ears.

“I love you too.”

The two of them smiled at each other before turning back to the large crowds of people who were complete strangers, but still danced with each other, cried with each other, and loved each other. Troye Sivan’s music filled the streets, and the colors of the sunset only added to the effect.

Jaemin decided that this was one of the most beautiful sights he’d ever seen.

And with Jeno by his side, he would continue to fight against all odds, just for this. Just to feel okay.

But he knew they’d be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> ok first of all, I'm a month late for pride month. Holy shit I'm sorry, but I wanted to post this eventually.  
> Also, I've never experienced coming out to my family before because I'm a coward :')  
> I applaud all who have because that shit's terrifying. However, I have come out to my closest friends and boy, even though I knew they were accepting that shit was very scary. My hands were literally shaking. But anyways enough about me. To anyone who is struggling out there because they are part of the LGBT+ community, you are so amazing. You are so beautiful. You are so braved. And you are so, so, so, loved. I hope that one day, we can all stop being scared about who we are. Stay strong, my friends. <3


End file.
